How to manage your expectations and bounce back from disappointment

Think of a time you were sure about something. A job application, an exam, a deal, a trip. Then it didn’t happen. You felt like a failure, and maybe you didn’t want to try again.

That’s normal. But you can learn to take less damage from those moments, and recover faster when they come. The skill is managing your expectations, and it matters for far more than your career.

Start here: nothing is guaranteed

Life runs on probability. Studying every lecture slide doesn’t guarantee you’ll pass. The questions might come from outside the slides, the examiner might not like how you argue, your memory might fail you. Studying gives you a better chance. That’s all.

Your success depends on two kinds of factors:

• Internal factors: what you can and can’t do, your strengths and weaknesses.
• External factors: what’s outside your control, the opportunities and threats around you.

Your effort is only part of the equation. Once you accept that, you’ll set more realistic expectations of people and events.

Things you control

Be slow to bank on other people’s word

People are human. They can let you down even when they mean well. When someone promises you something, keep the possibility that it won’t happen in mind.

Financial advisers tell you not to spend money that isn’t in your hand yet, however sure you are it’s coming. The same goes for promises. When you set the bar high on someone else’s word, even their best effort can feel like a letdown, and that strains the relationship. Treat disappointment as partly your responsibility for how high you set the bar. It helps you move on faster.

Have a plan B, C, and D

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s a cliché because it works.

Once you accept that effort doesn’t guarantee success and that people can disappoint you, backup plans stop feeling pessimistic. They’re insurance. Each one should still move you towards your bigger goal. Ask yourself, “If plan A fails, what do I do?” and answer it before you have to.

Expect it to hurt

Even with your expectations managed, rejection stings, because you invested time and effort. The difference is how hard it hits and how fast you get up.

Between late 2019 and early 2020, I faced four rejections. A month before I first wrote this, another one. Rejection is part of every success story, and it makes the wins sweeter. I’ve faced enough of it now that it barely slows me down.

Stretch the timeline

When someone tells you to expect a response in two weeks, plan for three or four. Multiply any stated timeline by 1.5 or 2. You’ll feel less pressure while you wait.

Don’t go quiet, though. Check on progress at set intervals so you stay informed. I’ve done this for years, and it works.

Things you don’t control

Someone else might be better

In any job application or competition, you’re up against other people, and you never know what they’re bringing. While you’re giving your best, so are they.

Let that push you to work harder. It’s also a reminder that you can give everything and still not win, and that’s okay. Try again.

Stay curious and chase information

The more you know, the better your chances, and the better you can set your expectations.

In September 2016, I applied to a multinational with my best résumé and cover letter. I was sure I’d get an interview, and I never heard back. Instead of sulking, I asked around. A friend who did get in told me the company only interviewed candidates referred by an employee, because an employee’s reputation rides on who they recommend. I didn’t know that, and it cost me.

Information shows you where to focus and helps you track where you stand. After an interview, ask for the panel’s contact details so you can follow up. Knowing more keeps your emotions in check.

Test your assumptions

Assumptions can ruin you if you don’t check them. Whenever you catch yourself assuming, go and find out. Information turns assumptions into facts you can plan around.

If you’re the one hiring

If you’re on the other side of the table, help candidates manage their expectations. Communicate often, tell them what they need to know, and stick to your timelines. Treat them the way you’d want to be treated.

Measure growth, not just wins

You’ll fail sometimes even with your best effort. So don’t measure success only by whether you got what you went after. Measure what you learnt and experienced on the way there.

John C. Maxwell makes a similar point in Developing the Leader Within You 2.0: treat your progress as a growth journey, not a race to tick off goals. If you look back on an attempt and see no growth at all, that’s the sign you didn’t work on the things you control.