Networking after school: how to start, keep, share, and end professional relationships

Look up “network” in any dictionary and every definition comes back to the same idea: things connected so they can exchange something. Roads, computers, TV stations, people. A professional network is the same. It runs on sharing: money, time, ideas, expertise, and other people.

Starting a networking relationship can feel like work. Keeping it going is the real work. Here’s how I think about both.

Principles: what you bring, and why people trust you

Lawyers have a principle, nemo dat quod non habet: no one gives what they don’t have. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

So before you network, take stock of what you can contribute. Write down your skills and what you could help someone with. If the list is empty, that’s your signal to work on yourself first. Kindness and a willingness to help are a good start, but on their own they aren’t enough.

Every lasting network is built on trust, and trust has two parts.

• Character. Are you kind, reliable, easy to work with? Nobody wants to build a friendship with someone rude.
• Competence. Can you solve the problem in front of you, however small? You wouldn’t hand your brand-new car to someone who can’t drive.

Stephen Covey’s trust model makes the same point: people trust you when character and competence show up together. Either one alone falls short.

Every networking relationship goes through four stages: initiation, sustenance, sharing, and termination.

Initiation: be intentional

When I was a boy, my dad called me “Assemblyman,” because I’d walk up to anyone and ask to be their friend. Everyone knew me, at church, at school, around the neighbourhood. But those friendships were brief.

I’ve since learnt that building valuable relationships takes more than friendliness. It’s intentional, and it takes planning. Treat it like shopping: know what you need, find out who has it, and look for chances to meet them, on LinkedIn and X or at events. Write the plan down so you stick to it.

Three skills make first conversations work:

• Probing. Asking good, interesting questions that keep a conversation going.
• Active listening. Picking up what matters to the other person.
• Writing. The follow-up message a few hours or days later, or the note you send to connect online, keeps you visible.

Broaden what you know, and go deep on some of it. Breadth lets you join more conversations; depth shows competence. And stay observant. Chances to start a valuable conversation often last a few seconds.

Sustenance: keep depositing

Most people stop at the first conversation. That’s where networking actually starts.

Think of it as a bank account. You deposit early and withdraw later, when the investment matures. Don’t expect a quick return on your time. The more value you add, the more likely it comes back to you.

Deposits don’t have to be big. A phone call. A bottle of wine. A hand on a project. Showing up to someone’s event. I’ve built relationships with influential people by connecting them to a good phone repairer, showing them new technology, or asking, “What do you need help with?” What I got back was far more than what I gave.

You don’t need to solve every problem yourself. You need to know the person who can. Use open questions to find out what people are struggling with, then solve it or make the introduction. And don’t wait until you need something to invest in your network.

As Brenda Okorogba puts it: pay it forward.

Sharing: guard your reputation

Over time, people will ask for introductions to your network. That’s an opportunity and a risk.

• The opportunity. If the person you introduce adds value, your reputation grows and your contacts trust you more. Your “deposit” gets bigger.
• The risk. If they take people for granted, behave badly, or don’t deliver, your reputation takes the hit. Your contacts may stop coming to you.

Whoever you recommend carries your trust score. No trust, no recommendation.

That also explains why a well-placed friend may not have recommended you for a job. Maybe you never showed them your value, or they see you only as a friend. Or maybe they don’t want to see you win. If that’s the case, keep them as an acquaintance. They don’t belong in your network.

Termination: don’t burn bridges

Relationships end, for all kinds of reasons. Even when you’re hurt, try not to burn the bridge. Say what upset you, calmly and respectfully, and keep the relationship at an acquaintance level. The exception is abuse or anything like it. Protect yourself first.

Your network is your net worth

Networking got me my first job. Treat it as a long-term investment and it will do a lot for your career too.

One tip to end on: if you want to connect with older, influential people, help close their technology gaps. Show them tools that solve a real problem for them. You’ll be surprised what comes back, so long as you keep your expectations in check.